Apr 6, 2011

Do you forward "inspirational" emails?

Awhile back my office was dumb enough to put me on the hiring committee for a new person.  We had a list of Human Resources Approved questions that we could ask during interviews.  None of those questions were these questions, but these are the ones I really wanted the answers to:

  • Do you get to work really early? Because that bugs me. So please don’t mention how early you arrived at work or the fact that you were up before sunrise, ever.
  • Do you drink coffee? If not, please back away slowly. If so, what kind? Will you bring a pint of half-and-half every once in awhile? Do you understand that "flavored creamer" isn't the same thing?
  • If you are female, do you know what "shrill" sounds like and how to avoid it? What’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about lending clothes to co-workers? (Maybe just that awesome jacket you're wearing? Just for a day?) Do you have free shipping codes for any major online retailers?
  • If you are male, do you understand what a unisex bathroom is? Do you faithfully wipe down the toilet seat after you use it? Do you have any power-trippy issues that will need to be worked out as the result of being in an office of mostly women?
  • If transgendered, are you at peace with it or do you still have a lot of unresolved issues you’ll need to work out at the office? And if male-to-female, what’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about loaning clothes?
  • Do you carefully wash your hands, with soap, each and every time you use the restroom?
  • How are you and your significant other getting along? When you’re not getting along, do you need to talk about it? How loudly and how often?
  • Do you watch a lot of reality television and then talk about it excitedly the next morning while your colleagues are trying to pour their coffee?
  • Someone brought in a big plate of chocolate chip cookies and now there’s only one left. WHAT DO YOU DO?
  • Do you wear a lot of perfume or cologne, and if so, would you be willing to stop? Do you understand that most people don’t want to smell a synthesized rainy tangerine orchard surrounded by a jasmine field?
  • Do you understand that your bestie friend can hear you just fine on the other end of the phone when you use your normal speaking voice?
  • Give me your best, most inspiring, most unobtrusive pep-talk about why I should go to the gym at lunch.
  • Now say something reassuring and non-judgmental when I tell you I’m going to stay in and surf gossip websites while trying to keep bits of burrito from falling into my keyboard.
  • Do you know how to get beans and cheese out of a keyboard?


  1. HA! This made me laugh out loud. I am tempted to print it out and nonchalantly slide it on HR lady's desk for her to keep in mind for future interviews. They sound like solid questions to me.

  2. Thanks! I hate to admit I was actually jotting these down (instead of the interviewees' responses to the stupid questions) during some of them.

  3. What Pandora station do you listen to (as contemporary R&B should not be a genre), and do your understand that volume control also works in the "decrease" direction?

    (you have a future in HR, no doubt about that.)

  4. I would give you the cookie. Ma'am.

  5. Hey, I just checked out your site, cause you comment on Sugarlegs a lot. I love that post. That was funny. :)

  6. You know what I think I will add you to my list why not?? I have no idea what the heck you write about, but that was pretty funny. :)


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