Apr 6, 2011

Do you forward "inspirational" emails?

Awhile back my office was dumb enough to put me on the hiring committee for a new person.  We had a list of Human Resources Approved questions that we could ask during interviews.  None of those questions were these questions, but these are the ones I really wanted the answers to:

  • Do you get to work really early? Because that bugs me. So please don’t mention how early you arrived at work or the fact that you were up before sunrise, ever.
  • Do you drink coffee? If not, please back away slowly. If so, what kind? Will you bring a pint of half-and-half every once in awhile? Do you understand that "flavored creamer" isn't the same thing?
  • If you are female, do you know what "shrill" sounds like and how to avoid it? What’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about lending clothes to co-workers? (Maybe just that awesome jacket you're wearing? Just for a day?) Do you have free shipping codes for any major online retailers?
  • If you are male, do you understand what a unisex bathroom is? Do you faithfully wipe down the toilet seat after you use it? Do you have any power-trippy issues that will need to be worked out as the result of being in an office of mostly women?
  • If transgendered, are you at peace with it or do you still have a lot of unresolved issues you’ll need to work out at the office? And if male-to-female, what’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about loaning clothes?
  • Do you carefully wash your hands, with soap, each and every time you use the restroom?
  • How are you and your significant other getting along? When you’re not getting along, do you need to talk about it? How loudly and how often?
  • Do you watch a lot of reality television and then talk about it excitedly the next morning while your colleagues are trying to pour their coffee?
  • Someone brought in a big plate of chocolate chip cookies and now there’s only one left. WHAT DO YOU DO?
  • Do you wear a lot of perfume or cologne, and if so, would you be willing to stop? Do you understand that most people don’t want to smell a synthesized rainy tangerine orchard surrounded by a jasmine field?
  • Do you understand that your bestie friend can hear you just fine on the other end of the phone when you use your normal speaking voice?
  • Give me your best, most inspiring, most unobtrusive pep-talk about why I should go to the gym at lunch.
  • Now say something reassuring and non-judgmental when I tell you I’m going to stay in and surf gossip websites while trying to keep bits of burrito from falling into my keyboard.
  • Do you know how to get beans and cheese out of a keyboard?

6 comments:

  1. HA! This made me laugh out loud. I am tempted to print it out and nonchalantly slide it on HR lady's desk for her to keep in mind for future interviews. They sound like solid questions to me.

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  2. Thanks! I hate to admit I was actually jotting these down (instead of the interviewees' responses to the stupid questions) during some of them.

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  3. What Pandora station do you listen to (as contemporary R&B should not be a genre), and do your understand that volume control also works in the "decrease" direction?

    (you have a future in HR, no doubt about that.)

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  4. I would give you the cookie. Ma'am.

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  5. Hey, I just checked out your site, cause you comment on Sugarlegs a lot. I love that post. That was funny. :)

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  6. You know what I think I will add you to my list why not?? I have no idea what the heck you write about, but that was pretty funny. :)

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I adore comments, but suck at responding to them. Don't let it stop you. Just say it.

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