Apr 6, 2011

Do you forward "inspirational" emails?

Awhile back my office was dumb enough to put me on the hiring committee for a new person.  We had a list of Human Resources Approved questions that we could ask during interviews.  None of those questions were these questions, but these are the ones I really wanted the answers to:

  • Do you get to work really early? Because that bugs me. So please don’t mention how early you arrived at work or the fact that you were up before sunrise, ever.
  • Do you drink coffee? If not, please back away slowly. If so, what kind? Will you bring a pint of half-and-half every once in awhile? Do you understand that "flavored creamer" isn't the same thing?
  • If you are female, do you know what "shrill" sounds like and how to avoid it? What’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about lending clothes to co-workers? (Maybe just that awesome jacket you're wearing? Just for a day?) Do you have free shipping codes for any major online retailers?
  • If you are male, do you understand what a unisex bathroom is? Do you faithfully wipe down the toilet seat after you use it? Do you have any power-trippy issues that will need to be worked out as the result of being in an office of mostly women?
  • If transgendered, are you at peace with it or do you still have a lot of unresolved issues you’ll need to work out at the office? And if male-to-female, what’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about loaning clothes?
  • Do you carefully wash your hands, with soap, each and every time you use the restroom?
  • How are you and your significant other getting along? When you’re not getting along, do you need to talk about it? How loudly and how often?
  • Do you watch a lot of reality television and then talk about it excitedly the next morning while your colleagues are trying to pour their coffee?
  • Someone brought in a big plate of chocolate chip cookies and now there’s only one left. WHAT DO YOU DO?
  • Do you wear a lot of perfume or cologne, and if so, would you be willing to stop? Do you understand that most people don’t want to smell a synthesized rainy tangerine orchard surrounded by a jasmine field?
  • Do you understand that your bestie friend can hear you just fine on the other end of the phone when you use your normal speaking voice?
  • Give me your best, most inspiring, most unobtrusive pep-talk about why I should go to the gym at lunch.
  • Now say something reassuring and non-judgmental when I tell you I’m going to stay in and surf gossip websites while trying to keep bits of burrito from falling into my keyboard.
  • Do you know how to get beans and cheese out of a keyboard?

Apr 4, 2011

Making use of lead.

I unilaterally declared that last Friday would be a "mental health day" and didn't go to work.  In truth, I was feeling terribly run down, if not actually sick, and Thursday had been pretty hellish.  So poof.  

The problem with taking a mental health day, I discovered, was that it quickly became clear just how bad I'd needed it and how, as much as I don't want to admit it, I've reached The Point with this job that I've reached with other jobs.  The Point where you realize you just can't keep it up for much longer.  All the crap you told yourself about how it's a good job and you're lucky to have one has also gone poof.  Now it's just a matter of what's next.  

Anyway, the unplanned day off was not a total loss and certainly lots better than being truly sick and horking up terrible things all day.  I did this:


Is the photo this bad on purpose?  Yes it is.  It allows me to tell myself that it's not my drawing that sucks, it's my phone camera. (I like my bubbles intact.) I took that drawing class about a year ago now and my practicing of all that I learned has been, um, sparse.  But it felt really, really good to give it a try again.  So yeah.  Mental health.

Mar 30, 2011

Jane Doe


My embarrassingly lame, totally meaningless name for this blog was all about plausible deniability.   I wanted to experiment with having a blog but I didn’t want people to be able to find it or know that it was mine unless I told them.  I had a link to it on my Facebook page for awhile, but I removed it as my friend circle started to include more professional contacts who might not appreciate my trashy mouth and half-formed opinions.  I can’t figure out whether the new normal is having a traceable internet footprint or pretending like I’m in the witness protection program with pseudonyms for my pseudonyms.

Yesterday was strange.  In addition to a lot of other stuff that I really can’t blog about, I was getting emails here and there from both friends and distant acquaintances about the Barry Bonds trial or whatever shenanigans he’s injected up to.  Why?  Because his longtime girlfriend and I have the same name.  Cue the stream of quotes about “our” sex life, “my” testimony about his shriveling nads, and his threats to violently remove “my” breast implants.

Just as I was about to leave work, I checked Twitter and saw that The Bloggess was asking people to PayPal her eleven cents because she needed $1,000 to buy something “incredibly stupid.”  Eleven cents.  What the hell.

I did it, and tossed off a little comment with my payment.  She quoted it on her blog.  I sort of feel like I got a shout-out from the Pope(ess)!

It’s the little things, right?  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to obsessively checking my credit report for evidence of identity theft.

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